why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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