I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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