I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize