why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
