I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
