I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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