They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
