I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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