You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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