Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
