I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
