Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
