Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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