I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize