I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
