Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
you didnt know i had herpes?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
