mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
they need to just BURY HIM!
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
