So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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