I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
