Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
