I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
