is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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