tell your sister to shave her snatch
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
