Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
