he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Randomize
