I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
