So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
