She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You left your phone here
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