I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
