when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
its liver damage thursday
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
