If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
