dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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