Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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