Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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