I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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