I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
