i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
