My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just gargled with NyQuil
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
