I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
