Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
