if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
We're using joints as your birthday candles
i've created a new STD.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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