I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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