the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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