So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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