Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I CAN MOONWALK!
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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