Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
