apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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