my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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