i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
