hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
