hotel room ftw
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
