There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
