Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
