Where did you get a picture of my penis
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
