Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
