cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
