She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You made out with two different species that night
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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