I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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