I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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