you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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