the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
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