You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
