So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
