she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
