I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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