Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I got inside last night via doggy door
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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