May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
